Bob the Dog Blog

06.28.10
Case of the Mondays
Recycle this!
I'm pretty sure my human has a case of "the Mondays" today because I didn't get no petting when he came home, so naturally, I barked it up.  He just looked at me with contempt.  Yeah, I know contempt when I see it. What up with that? SORRY the real world sucks, dude. Guess what I am? Responsibility.  Know what that is, human? You named me Bob, when maybe you should have just called me responsibility.  Too many syllables? Yeah, I figured.  Guess what I did today?! I ate, slept, watched some TV, slept, ate some more, then peed on your floor. EAT IT.
06.28.10
The WORST day of my LIFE!!
Moments before my misery!!
You’re NEVER going to believe what happened to me.  I’ll give you a hint:  I’M SOAKING WET!  Here’s hint part two:  IT’S NOT MY FAULT!!  That’s right, “bath time.”  Listen, I’m a busy guy.  I’ve got balls to fetch, naps to take and dropped food to scarf!  A bath is not on my top ten list of things I wanna do.  Here’s that list if you were wondering:
1.       Eating
2.       Playing
3.       Sleeping
4.       Eating
5.       Playing
6.       Sleeping
7.       Eating
8.       Playing
9.       Sleeping
10.     Eating

“Taking a bath” is number 12 (oh, and number 11 is getting neutered AGAIN!).

So check this out:  I’m sleeping (ol’ numero three) and I hear somebody coming.  I then spring into action (‘cause this means one of two things (you know what they are (it’s time for one or two (eatin’ or playin’)))).  At this point I’m psyched!  I start running and I’m excited, I’m lovin’ life.  As I turn the corner I hear the sound of running water (never a good sign) and (my head screams “NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!”) the reality of the situation I’m in has hit me.  I just know I’m a goner.

What I’m going to tell you next will chill you to the bone:  I was BATHED!  There was soap and water everywhere.  COMPLETE MADNESS!!  It was scrub, scrub, scrub, rinse, scrub!  I hear, “you sure are dirty, Bob” and all I can think is “NO THANKS TO YOU, BOZO!”  Now I’m all wet and I look like an IDIOT!  This has got to be the WORST day of my LIFE (just like the title says)… AND I NEVER EXAGGERATE!
06.21.10
WHAT'S COMING OUT OF MY NOSE?!?!?
You know when you're head rockets back and forth from air coming out of your face.  It sounds like a face fart? It happens a lot when you get your belly scratched and suck a lot of air in through your nose... or when you sniff pepper.  Man, I've been doin' that like ALL THE TIME lately.  Yesterday, all this goop came out.  It's like when I was a puppy and played with that Nickelodeon GAK stuff.  Remember that?!? Yeah, that's right, GAK is coming out my freakin' nose holes.  Why is this happening to me?!?! I bet that schnauzer's butt I sniffed had H1N1. 
06.07.10
White Picket vs Wrought Iron

I’m a city canine.  A metro mutt.  An urban pooch.  I dig the action and the people.  I’ll take smells of the homeless and garbage over sniffin' any flowers on some farm any day.  Chicago gives me enough room to stretch my legs.  Quite a bit of it actually.  I’m happy with my concrete jungle.  I’ll trade your white picket fences of the ‘burbs for my city made wrought iron, straight up.  Plus, in the city, there are more people to cackle at my hilarious digs.  I am an attention hound, if you haven’t figured that out yet.  I’m made for the lights, sounds, and smells of the city.

05.25.10
Bob the Dog the Plumber
Yeah - I squeezed the Charmin.
Know whats the best thing about being a dog instead of a human? They go poo, and they gotta wipe and flush and do all this work. I go poo, and my stupid human has to pick it up in a plastic bag and carry it in his pocket until we get home! HA! I hope I have diarrhea tomorrow. What's he gonna do? Use a sponge?!
05.10.10
Baconator
Turkey bacon? You can't be serious?!?!
MAN! WHAT A DAY! My human, Adam, got up early for work and made eggs and......BACON! BACON! Yeah - that's right - the meat's candy. I got me a taste of that. As a matter of fact, I can still taste it on my chops right now while I'm blogging. Tastes salty, meaty, and sexy.
04.20.10
Hot Tail
Chasin' that tail
So I'm out doing my business this morning when this HOT THANG goes walking by.  Man, she was pugalicious and bootylicious with that back. I hollered over at her, I yelled "BARK! ARF! ARF, ARF!" and she gave me this look like 'you don't know me.' Funny thing was, I'm pretty sure I do. I'm pretty sure I sniffed that back last time I went to the beach. Yeah - I was lookin all bad, wearing one of my awesome dog shirts, don't know what it said, because I can't read, but she thought it was hot, obviously. She let me get a scent. Apparently she thinks I'm a scrub now that I'm shirtless and making a doody. Psh, whatev. I like poodles better anyway.
12.28.09
I bet I Gain 25% of My Body Weight During the Holidays
When I go home for the holidays, I eat myself into a holi-daze. BAM!  Everybody thinks it's cool to toss all the leftover everythings onto the floor when their done with 'em.  Not to mention, there is all this bakin' goin' on.  Good clouds in heaven - macaroons are the bomb!! Macaroon sounds like pasta shaped celestial body, but it aint!! It's got coconut and jelly and cookie and passion cooked into it.  Who KNEW!?!?! Anyway, to accompany all my kitchen scores, I guess folks feel it's cool to feed the pooch some wet food during this time of year.  That piece of paper I thought was a candy wrapper in the garbage must have been a freakin' winning lottery ticket.  Quick picks or some hoopla.  I hit the jackpot with all this goodness.   Little do they know that Alpo gives me the gaseous release syndrome.  I try to hold it in, but I think I actually caused some folks to pass out into their soup during dinner.  It ain't my fault - macaroons and Alpo - who's got a stomach lining built for that? Not Hercules himself. 

Word - Christmas.  Word.
12.03.09
Table Scraps Day
I got the day off of work for this?!?!

Table Scraps Day, my favorite Thursday of the year, has come and gone with great success once again.  Everyone seems to be thankful for stuff today.  Well, I'm thankful for the fact that people try and put twice as much food on a fork than they can fit in their mouths.  Then, I get the rest on the floor baby!!

Last year, my owner’s grandpa came over for dinner and fed me all sorts of good stuff under the table.  And then, this lady dropped some bread mush and some red fruity stuff in a can shape.  THAT STUFF IS THE BEST! I love red fruity stuff in a can shape.

So get excited fellow four leggers, let’s all bark some thanks that it’s that time of year again when humans are too pre-occupied with eatin’ themselves to notice how much we’re scarfing!

08.25.09
Bone to Pick
Me = Not Partying
I've got a bone to pick, pun intended. So not this last weekend or this last last weekend, but the weekend before that, I'm all excited because it's rainy outside and I like rolling in the mud and splashing and all that. My human's got the day off work, so I'm pumped for some play time. AND THEN I hear my human talking to one of his friends about this crazy rock fest in Grant Park where we live in Chicago called Bullapalogla or PugsattheZoozers or something like that. Sounds awesome. Grass, sniffin' people's feet, mud, sniffin' people's butts, rock'n'roll, lickin' people's legs, scraps, BAM. I want in. So what's the problem? All of a sudden, my human fills my water bowl and starts heading for the door without me. Turns out.....DISCRIMINATION! NO DOGS ALLOWED. That's weak. Rock fest without dogs? How about Rock Fest with no fun then?!?! Good luck, buddy. I hope humans don't like rain...lollapalosers.
 
08.10.09
The Truth About Dogs & Blogs
My Buddy Champu & I
What's up everybody? I'm Bob the Dog. About a year or so ago, I was out walking my human, Adam, and we we stopped by the park to kick it with some of my compadres - Red the lab and Ceaser the pug. We were running around, having a good ole time chewing on things when don't you know it, Wrigley the boxer - the dog park bully - started barking it up as usual, yapping it like a real jerk, peeing on everything and marking the whole damn park. Ruined everybody's good vibes. I tried to chill and let it be...until he peed on my favorite patch of grass and that was it.  I'd finally had enough of the tough guy routine. So I got in his grill barking, he sniffed my butt, I licked his leg, and out of nowhere, he bit my chest. Jerk. Didn't bother me none, I can handle a few scrapes and bruises, but my worry-wart human Adam was freaking out, yelling for ambulances and stuff. I ain't no hero though, just a guy trying to enjoy a park with some friends. 
 
Long story short, I ended up at the Vet and though the injuries weren't serious, the doc told my human Adam to put a shirt on me to keep me from licking my cuts. "Hey Doc - I'm right here guy - show me some respect and speak to me directly! I won't lick nuthin'!" Guy's got a medical degree and doesn't even know I can understand human-speak. HUMANS...so much to learn. Anywho, of course my over-protective human Adam goes and finds me a dog shirt - and don't you know it, the dog shirt selection out there is lame...nothing with any style or attitude or humor. My guy Adam knows this too, and he knows I don't like looking a fool, so he gets a pen and starts making me a shirt. Something about a president and barking. I can't read, really, but it's hilarious. I can tell by all the crazy humans laughing at me while I'm walking down the street. 
 
Adam can tell the shirt's hilarious too. Sees the crazy humans laughing their butts off and guy and his buddy get the bright idea to start a T-shirt company and sell hilarious dog shirts online. I'm hearing all this and all I'm thinking is '"HEY! What's my cut?! You wouldn't even know hilarious dog shirts existed unless I got tough with that boxer in the park!" So the guys, they say they'll cut me in on 25% of the biz and all the bones, treats and squeaky toys I want, all I gotta do is blog every once in awhile and go on some photoshoots...no big deal. So that's the truth about this dog and his blog: I'm in it for the treats. Give a dog a bone.
= Matching human shirt!